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My Lyrical Musings

Poetry and the random thoughts bouncing around my head

YOUR EYES

YOUR EYES

 

Your eyes
Were deep and dark and mysterious
With wisdom of age and the sparkle of youth
Seeing all that I wished to hide
Concealing your secrets yet revealing your truth.

Your eyes
Crinkling at the edges with every smile
With a glint of mischief I could not ignore
Swimming within them, I found my peace
Yet they showed that you were not stranger to war.

Your eyes
Glistening in that moment only for me
While reflecting light of stars and moon
I knew in an instant I couldn’t hold your gaze
And your eyes would be shining upon another soon.

12/23/16

Haiku

The sound of your voice
Always soothes my aching soul
This silence kills me

Soulless Eyes

You look at me with cold dead eyes
There’s nothing’s behind your stare
Something has taken your soul
Now its mine you want to tear
But I won’t let you take it
I’m not finished with it yet
There’s still love inside me
To give away as I see fit

Your soulless eyes
Are staring at me
Trying to make me break
Your soulless eyes
Are looking through me
My soul’s not yours to take

Your empty on the inside
I’m the one who knows that best
What hellish deal did you make
Made you look better than the rest
I’ve been a fool all these years
But I’m am blind no longer
You tried to rip out my soul
But you’ve only made me stronger

Your soulless eyes
Are staring at me
Trying to make me break
Your soulless eyes
Are looking through me
My soul’s not yours to take

Happy New Year

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That about sums up my transition from a painfully difficult 2015 to, what will hopefully be, a better 2016. Unlike most, I do not do the “resolution” thing for the new year. Instead, I resolve each and every day to be a better person than I was the day before.

I guess if I were to set a goal for myself…

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…unlike my unfortunately celibate 2015!

Merry Christmas!

I’m off spending time with most of the ones I love. I wish you all a warm and joyous holiday!

Despair

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I’m the cries of the hopeless in the night
I’m the darkness in every man’s soul
I’m the reason that you give up the fight
And surrender all your control

I’m despair
I kill from the inside out
Despair
Fill you with nothing but doubt
I’m despair
Welcome me in

I’m the sponge sucking up your happiness
I’m the one that takes all  of your joy
I leave behind me only emptiness
And make you my whipping boy

I’m despair
I kill from the inside out
Despair
Fill you with nothing but doubt
I’m despair
Thanks for letting me in
Welcome to my hell

(c) 2011

2/8/15

*In going through my journal and letters, I have noticed all 5 stages of grief. While depression runs throughout, I shall call this one “Denial.”

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It has been just over a week since we said our goodbyes and this is the first writing I have done. I have not been able to put pen to paper because I needed to sort through everything that has been running through my mind. This has been difficult due to the overwhelming sadness I feel almost constantly.

Collapsed on the floor after that last phone conversation, I realized I loved him. I knew that I cared, but never admitted to myself to what depth. I was moving in slow motion, not wanting to be in a hurry with him; not wanting to rush love. After all, I thought we had forever. And honestly, I thought he felt the same. He always spoke “future-speak” and in terms of “us/we,” as if we would have a future. Maybe he did feel it, and maybe that scared him. He did say that I was further along in the healing process. I had hoped to still be there when he caught up. Perhaps he’ll find me when he does.

I drove by P’s house the other day and they were outside together, smoking. Two things struck me as odd, giving me (false?) hope. The first is that they are still living apart and did not go to PA! Did he lie to me about that trip or are things already falling apart? I’m secretly wishing for door #2.

My second observation was that here they were, outside, smoking together and yet they did not appear like a happy couple, a reconciling couple or a couple at all for that matter. He was standing as far away from her on P’s front steps as is possible, staring off into space in the opposite direction. She was sitting, eyes glued to her phone reading something more interesting than conversing with him. I would expect a couple, a mere week into repairing their marriage, to be closer together, especially given the frigid temps. Or be talking to one another at the very least.

It made me think I might be right about him going back out of fear. In that dreaded phone call, he mentioned the good of his girls and his own peace of mind, but never mentioned his love for her as a reason for his decision. A familiar relationship, even if unhappy, is safer than risking one’s heart on the unknown. The pain you know is less scary. If that’s the case, I would never blame him for making the easy choice. I just hope he never feels regret. He deserves happiness. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but so does she. Whether that is them together or apart, they need to figure that out themselves.

I’ll drop off the books I have for the girls this Friday, in P’s mailbox like he said. She’s not usually there on Fridays. I’ll text him when I’m on my way and, who knows, maybe he’ll come outside and answer some of these questions plaguing me. It would make it much easier to move on knowing he is finally happy.

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Update

I have been away for awhile dealing with some familial and financial issues. There is more to tell in my story of Him, and I have started to go through my journal pages and letters to figure out the best way to tell it. Unfortunately, I haven’t written a single poem since we said goodbye in January, but I have some older ones I may post.

Again, sorry for my absence.

I Wonder

I wonder if you ever cared
or if we were just a lie?
I wonder if you ever knew
how long and hard I’d cry?
I wonder if you miss my scent
left upon your pillowcase?
I wonder if it lingered a bit
or was it very quickly erased?
I wonder if you ever smile
’cause of something I once said?
I wonder if I cross your mind
when you’re lying in your bed?
I wonder if you’ve chosen wise
or if you ever feel regret?
I wonder if you hurt at all
or was I easy to forget?

7/23/14

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